I always remember my most embarrassing moments the last couple of seconds before I fall asleep. Right before my brain hits snooze for the night (or morning since university has ruined my sleeping pattern), all I can think about is the mistakes I've made and all the things I wish I had done. It's a constant cycle of self pity and regret that seems to turn faster right before I fall unconscious.
I remember the moment when I opened my mouth and the brilliant comeback or witty joke I so masterfully thought up comes out in a combination of words and phrases that have no business being strung together. Or when on a spurt of confidence, I dared to take a chance and the only thing that changed was the colour of my cheeks as they turning a noticeable shade of crimson. An uneasy laugh or a blank stare is sure to follow, then I have to uncomfortably explain myself to avoid looking and sounding like a complete lunatic.
It's my life. It's a day-to-day occurrence for me and I'm fairly certain I'm not alone on this.
I'm awkward. I'm socially uncomfortable.
Maybe it's because I grew up in a generation where typing and messaging holds greater importance than verbally speaking to a friend. Or perhaps I have crippling anxiety, which makes the very thought of doing something on my own sound similar to torture.
Likelihood it's a bit of both. The mixture of the two makes it impossible to create a sentence without it being littered with "um's" or "like's" and is probably the reason why I avoid answering all phone calls.
I understand that these moments possibly could help me 'grow' but for me they are a horrible reminder that I'm just a tad bit odd. Maybe in twenty years I'll look back on this first blog post and laugh at how silly I sounded. I'm a young adult who doesn't know how good I have it! I'll say to myself. (whatever this it is) But at the moment, I'm stuck in a rut of doing awkward things while I try to avoid it. Ironic.
This blog is a way for me to scribble down the jargon in my mind; a diary of sorts that not only is filled with stories, but ideas and dreams. I'm not promising much, realistically I would be pleased if you learned from my mistakes, but I do promise to be faithful.
And at often times, very awkward. Laters! x